[Apologetics (from Greek ἀπολογία, “speaking in defense”) is the discipline of defending a position (often religious) through the systematic use of information.]
Much of my career has involved business turnarounds. This experience serves me well as a funeral home consultant. Over the course of more than 30 years I have learned a lot about human nature. Here is a simple elegant expression of one of the most significant lessons you must accept if you are in trouble:
“If you think you can, or
if you think you can’t
You are right!”
Henry Ford
There is an anomaly in human nature that appears during prolonged stress. In recent years it has been the attention of much study. These studies have all concluded that their is a specific attitude or mindset that correlates directly with the ability to survive bad situations and another that correlates directly with failure. But more on that later. What I found in my experience, and became subject to myself, is the propensity for people to give up, to become cynical and actually embrace victim mentality. I realized from some of the comments to last weeks post, “The Problem is Not Cremation”, that a few of those who responded had given in and given up. So, rather than begin this series in the middle I think it best to begin at the beginning and lay the foundational steps you must embrace for an effective business turn around.
How I overcame my own victim mentality.
Some 20+ years ago I was leading a protracted turnaround. It seemed to take forever and was beset by passive agressive resistance from the staff. 
(Life Lesson: “when you emerge from the phone booth to fly to the rescue don’t be surprised to find the very people you are trying to help standing on your cape”) I found myself feeling increasingly depressed, demoralized and hopeless. Then during my daily quiet time one day I felt compelled to write out in my journal everything I was afraid of. There were 6 items. They included such things as never being able to retire, not being able to send my kids to college, the shame of failure, etc. Then I felt led to identify that which I was MOST afraid of and it changed my whole perspective. The thing I was most afraid of was simply this: “Nothing would ever change.” Well, I decided that if that was my greatest fear then sitting around clinging to my despair was going to guarantee that would happen. I deliberately stopped caring about the naysayers and critics and self-styled experts.
To shake off the victim mentality and take control of your future demands you do two things:
- Look beyond your circumstances
- Ignore those who are clinging to their despair
For some reason people find comfort in convincing themselves that it’s not worth the effort. I don’t pretend to understand this mindset, but I found that I simply could not afford to pay attention to hand-wringers. Overcoming adversity takes an awful lot of emotional energy. Trying to convert the unbelievers takes too much out of me or anyone else and is a distraction anyway. Besides these “happy failures”, as I have heard them called, have learned how to be discouraged and they like it. Their type is not unique to DeathCare. They exist in every walk of life. They find some kind of meaning in their misery for sure, but, still, I can’t afford that kind of thinking.
So I decided to leave the conversion job to Billy Graham. What this means in your case is this: those who say it’s all about money and that no one cares anymore are simply making excuses for their failure. Personally, I think it is way too early for that. People who study organizational dynamics all conclude that effective people must believe their work has meaning and purpose. That is how I overcame my own discouragement. I came to believe the profession I am in (DeathCare) makes a rock solid contribution to society. The only problem, as I said last week, is that there are a lot of unbelievers in our profession. But Before you get upset, unbelief, given all we have been through and are currently experiencing, is to be expected. It’s just that unbelief will never get you into the promised land (to borrow a biblical metaphor)
Think about what I have said, and if you are old enough, you will remember that this is exactly what Ronald Reagan did for us as a nation. He adopted a new attitude…a can do attitude… and after Jimmy Carter’s Malaise Era he changed our direction, gave us hope and the rest is history. In fact, for a long time Reagan had to “lend” us his hope and beliefs while we struggled to overcome our own despair. Franklin Roosevelt did the same during the dark days of the Great Depression and Winston Churchill stood alone during the early days of World War II. You will have to do this same thing for your business and your employees and your family until they catch on. But there is another human anomaly that will help you. People don’t like despair and if they see a way out they will start moving toward it.
How To Look Beyond Your Circumstances and Find The Soul of Your Passion:
Throughout my career, and especially now that I am involved in funeral home consulting, I have found the first step…the step that must be taken before any other…is to understand the “why” of what I am doing. It is this grasp of the “Why” that enables me or any one else to become a “Funeral Apologist”. It’s easy to see the “what.” Not easy to understand the “why”…and, yet, that is the very essence of any product or service. Finding the “why” is an iterative process and can take months. The why is very personal but when you finally find it it becomes the key to everything else.
I know in asking you to start at the beginning instead of the middle that I run the risk of losing many of my readers because most people are not comfortable with the patience it takes for this step. But please bear with me. It will be worth it. In fact, I can help you with it. (a shameless allusion to my work) Through my relationship with The Center For Creative Leadership I have access to resources that can significantly accelerate this process by extracting the core value system from the unconscious mindsets of your team. This enables you to build on the intrinsic strengths of your firm.
The video below explains this concept better than anything I have seen. At about 12 minutes into his talk the presenter uses a bell curve chart. Later in this series I will write about why you must narrow your focus. For now, this chart will serve as an illustration. In any turnaround my target audience is always represented by the two segments on the far left. I know from experience that if I can reach them and they begin to experiment and find success then the rest will follow. This leverage is how you get organizations, societies and even industries to change. Remember, I leave the conversions to Billy Graham. Later the presenter uses the example of TIVO. As you listen to this you might think about parallels to our profession.
Alan,
I’ve watched that video a dozen time in the past year. The one quote that stands out to me is “Do business with the people that believe in what you believe.” What happens when the number of people that believes like you do can no longer sustain your business. What if they never really believed like you. What if they just did things because they were supposed to. We can listen to their belief’s and start going to their “church” so to speak. Or we can continue to preach from our gospel to an ever growing crowd of non-believers while the pews continue to empty.
Dale, this is a very important question. I will elaborate in a later post but for now here are a few key observations:
1. Exactly what is it you believe? You say they no longer believe what you believe, but I don’t know what that is. By behavior I would suggest that funeral directors believe that the only good funeral is a traditional funeral. It seems obvious that we have a growing disconnect if that is the case. But if, instead, you are saying that you believe life has value and people should be remembered after death and that life must be affirmed then I would have to say that most of your constituents do believe that.
2. It’s not about what you can sell them it’s about how you can help them. That focus will enable the money to come (assuming, of course, that we restructure our business model)
3. Finally, (I see how you could misunderstand this) I am not saying you should not serve everyone. I am saying that you must focus on those who are willing to hear your story.
The single best parallel is the rise of the megachurch over the past 30 years. Even today, mainline pastors and priests are spending all their time lamenting the demise of religion without bothering to figure out why these other churches are growing explosively. Megachurches put even more demands on their congregation than traditional churches in terms of expectations. Bill Hybels and his crew some 40 years ago figured out why people were fleeing the pews and offered an alternative. I believe that alternative for us is out there. But NOT within the traditional paradigm that clings so stringently to the desire…fixation if you will…for a “one-size-fits-all” solution.
Keep reading as I will explore this in more depth in the weeks to come.
Alan,
My questions were more rhetorical than literal. To get people to think.
Yes, I agree that the main thing we need to decide is what we believe (or don’t believe). But where I feel that you and I are not on the same page is the “firmness/authoritative/all knowing” way with which we inform people of our beliefs.
Above you stated “ But if, instead, you are saying that you believe LIFE HAS VALUE and people SHOULD BE REMEMBERED after death and that LIFE MUST BE AFFIRMED then I would have to say that most of your constituents do believe that.” I put the phrases in all CAPS that I think will turn some people off. What I think those phrases say is “I know better than you, so just shut up, listen and do what I tell you” That’s why I can’t be a Baptist.
As a baby boomer I don’t want to be told what to think or what to do. But I do want to hear what other people have done and what it did for them. Then I can decide if it’s a good thing for me to do.
I believe that the true value of a funeral is the Gathering Together of People and the Sharing of Stories. It is through those stories that we remember the life, that we affirm the life and show that the life had value. Gathering and sharing also lets us, as survivors, know that we are not alone out there in the world.
I believe that when people let me help them gather and share they will feel better.
That’s what I believe.
Dale, one other thing from the introduction to “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential–and Endangered”
“…80 percent of Americans say that the only people whom they feel close enough to confide in are family members. A full quarter say that they trust no one at all with their intimate secrets”
The passage says more, but let’s think about this in the context of funerals. If one quarter of the adult population does not trust a single person, why would they open the door to strangers when a death occurs? And if 80 percent only count on immediate family, they aren’t all that likely to kumbayah with the neighbors.
The public has changed–dramatically. We need to ask better questions or we will keep being frustrated.
Dale,
Here are my two most cherished business quotes.
“No margin, no mission.” (and if people don’t want to pay for our help then we don’t have a business, we have a charity and that requires a very different cash-flow model–of course some people want our help, but you are right to say that not as many feel the need of a funeral)
The other from Ben Franklin, “He that lives upon hope, will die fasting.” or to borrow from another famous book, someone has moved the cheese, so we had better get busy locating the new hiding spot.
This doesn’t mean America will lose every last funeral home in the next ten years, but I still think it means a difficult period of attrition and the emergence of new business and operational models. Much to learn–and much to un-learn. And the mega-church (or Walmart for that matter) is a prime example. One mega supplier in place of 20 or 30 smaller ones. Something similar will happen in funeral service.
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Dale, we may not be on the same page. You are thinking about telling, I am thinking about teaching. They are different.
Alan,
Yes they are different. But I know that I can not teach in the arrangement conference or in advertisements. Most people will not take the time to learn the deep meanings of why they should do something. But if you approach the gathering as an enjoyable event and get them to do that, then you accomplish what we have set out to do, remember, affirm and celebrate the life.
Dale, I am not trying to convert you. If you believe all is lost then all is lost. I am only saying I am unwilling to give up without a fight. and I don’t believe our profession should be wiling to give up without a fight.
I believe there is an opportunity to reengage the public but it will take the willingness to risk something in the arrangement conference. I am not saying you will convince them traditional burial is the way they should go. But having a meaningful service that affirms life and the value of people. That I think we can do.
If I understand what you are saying all is lost any way so why not challenge your customer. It just might turn out they will listen if you teach and don’t lecture.
P.S. i do disagree about people taking the time. But they have to understand what’s at stake first.
Alan,
I have never even implied that all is lost or that I am giving up on funeral service. Quite the contrary. What I think is fast going away is a body centric business. One where the dead body, it’s preparation and the all the accouterments, ceremony and products are no longer the norm. That business has gone away and it is never coming back. So we have to shift to an event centric business, One where the focus is on the gathering of people and all of the accouterments that go along with that gathering. In that type of business the body is not the focus but just a part, if the family wishes it to be. I believe it’s the funeral directors job to show people the different elements of an event that best fit their lifestyle and would make that event meaningful to them.
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