Is it possible that in some markets people no longer care?
In this series on Funeral Apologetics I have pointed out that our real problem is cowardice and have endeavored to share some techniques that might help the profession fight for itself. Several very thoughtful individuals (whom I also admire) have suggested that, in their market at least, people simply don’t care anymore. In their opinion, the best that can be hoped for is to do more volume on a shrinking sales average. But, I would ask: “Is it that people don’t care? Or, is it that people don’t care the way we think they should care?”
I need to make clear that my optimism on this subject springs not from rose-colored glasses.
- Are we becoming irrelevant? Possibly
- Are our margins shrinking? Yes
- Are we losing ground with every passing day? Yes
- Do we know what we need to do? No
- Is there a single solution? No
- Is there any solution? I believe so, if we fight for it.
But this is not to dismiss the reality that the struggles and challenges faced on a daily basis by our profession, which confronts an increasingly disengaged customer, are both real and acute. I am not suggesting that impacting this trend will be easy or quick. It took us 30 years of neglect to get here. Why should we expect overnight success? That is specifically why I continue to use a “Fight” metaphor. Because being passive is not working! And doing nothing is cowardice.
What we believe and why we believe it is critical to our hope and foundational to our solution. If we believe that people see us as irrelevant without exploring what lies behind that phenomenon then it ultimately becomes reality. If we believe no one cares then…ultimately…no one will care. Not because they aren’t wired to care but because they never knew why they should do some of those irrelevant things that…oddly…happen so spontaneously in tragic public and celebrity deaths.
So, as painful as it is, it is up to us to care and to care very deeply. And for us to care we must believe.
UNLESS someone like you
cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
It’s not.
Dr. Seuss
Cognitive Dissonance
We all struggle with cognitive dissonance. But I seem to have an overdeveloped awareness of this human reaction. Cognitive dissonance occurs when something happens in your experience that doesn’t fit your belief system or the facts as you know them. What I believe and Why I believe it are tied directly to this Cognitive Dissonance.
First, A Parallel Example
More than ten years ago I began sharing the very distinct parallels between the “Megachurch” Phenomenon and trends in DeathCare. I have often recommended that practitioners study local megachurches to better understand funeral trends. The supposed “innovations” of video tributes, unconventional music and participatory services all have their genesis or at least their early signals in the “Megachurch” movement.
But here is the parallel that speaks to the issue of the decline of funeral service: In mainline denominational churches, even today, across North America pastors and deacons are convinced that there is a decline in spirituality in America. After all, you read about it all the time. They struggle to fill the pews. They compromise their standards to keep members and entice new members. All to no real avail. They conclude: “People just aren’t religious anymore.”
YET...and here is the cognitive dissonance…non denominational megachurches are exploding and growing to congregational sizes unimaginable 30 years ago. More important, these new churches place GREATER demands and expectations on members than mainline denominations would ever dare. People are excited to attend, they bring friends, they attend bible studies and compulsory home fellowships. The message on Sunday is often stronger and more convicting.
What gives?
Some 40 years ago a young man by the name of Bill Hybels, struggling with the decline in church membership, did not say: “People aren’t religious any more.” Instead, he began to study those who were not attending. He found that they were looking for greater meaning, purpose and commitment…not less.
Now, the danger in drawing your attention to this parallel is the temptation to look at the cosmetics of this phenomenon and decide it’s about buildings or programs. Those of you who are faith driven will at least know that the Holy Spirit had a significant leadership role. But, I don’t have the time to go into the real drivers of the megachurch movement nor is this the place anyway.
Cognitive Dissonance in DeathCare
People point to the growth of the Celebrant movement in DeathCare as proof of the decline in religion. Yet every celebrant I have spoken with tells me the majority of families ask for scripture and hymns even for someone who has never been to church. Cognitive Dissonance.
When a celebrity like Princess Dianna, Michael Jackson, Elvis and Whitney Houston dies the spontaneous outpouring of emotion and the need to gather as a community takes on surreal proportions. The need to permanently memorialize is deeply felt by people who don’t have the remotest personal connection to the family or the deceased. Cognitive Dissonance.
When tragic deaths occur like the Virginia Tech Massacre or a high school driving accident, kids and their parents…the whole community… spontaneously pour out of their homes to comfort each other and total strangers with a touch a word…tears. Cognitive Dissonance.
So, if people no longer care, if religion is dying why do these things happen?
My belief is that god has wired us to need to gather, to physically comfort and touch when we are stressed. This is the NORMAL response. Whatever need is satisfied by gathering…affirmation, love, comfort…it is only satisfied physically in the community of others. There is also comfort in having a sense of what we can do and / or should do that restores some order out of the chaos. And when there is a loss, we feel that loss needs permanent memorialization. These are not “Madison Avenue” inventions. They are human needs. Real needs…Real values. Today, If they go unmet, in most cases, the outcome is no longer traumatic. But if they are met the outcome is much, much better.
THAT, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what we do!!
THAT is the contribution we make to society!!
So, how do we become a megachurch? Well, I hope you don’t try. Too many mainline churches have sent missions to study megachurches only to return with the building plans and programs while completely missing the drivers. We have to ask and then answer our own questions and that is what “Fighting For Yourself” is about. If no one cares anymore, why do people need to gather, call, visit? If religion is declining why do families ask Celebrants to incorporate scripture and hymns? etc. etc.
We have accepted as truth something that isn’t true: “People don’t care any more.” Think of it this way: If we walk into a room and flick on the light switch and the lights don’t come on we assume that something is broken…the lightbulb, the breaker, the switch. We do not assume that the nature of electricity has changed and it no longer lights a light bulb. DeathCare meets a need in human beings. It corresponds with basic…fundamental…human values.
I don’t think that people no longer care. I am not willing to accept that as a universal premise. Instead, I think they have become disconnected from their need and from their values. They are confused…and we are confused…about how to meet those needs and values and the options they have for expression. Imagine, for a moment what it would feel like if your spouse of 50 years died and no one acknowledged it. I think it might make you bitter.
Marketing Strategist, Steve McKee, Says: “Whenever there is confusion in the marketplace it means there is a misunderstanding.” In my experience, whenever there is confusion in the marketplace there are plenty of people willing to jump in and straighten it out. As far as I can see most of the people jumping in right now are not focusing on real human values. They are opportunists. They are only focusing on the economics. Probably because that’s easy. But it’s also temporary.
It’s your livelihood. Are you willing to fight for it?
Our challenge is not to convince People but to reconnect them.
Our task is not to lower our expectations but to raise theirs.
The MegaChurch Success: A hint
Megachurches are often thought to have been “Built and people just came.” I know something about this movement. You are not going to find a successful megachurch that wasn’t built with a heavy emphasis on prayer, personal sacrifice and hard work. and so it will be for us. But the real secret-sauce is their ability to connect people with Purpose and Values. There is a direct parallel in DeathCare. But I will let you, dear reader, stew on that…at least for a while.
Funeral Apologetics 101: Stop Clinging To Your Despair
Funeral Apologetics 101A: 8 Principles of Successful Optimism
Disenthrall Yourself of Your Dogma
Don’t Confuse Me With Your Facts
Alan,
We’re on the same path now. Here is a story Paul Seyler told me several years ago.
There was a pastor in his city at a downtown church, in a rougher neighborhood. The pastor had been very successful at growing his congregation and was attracting larger attendance from folks who were previously unchurched, especially at his Saturday evening service. So Paul invited him to lunch to get some insight on why this was happening. The pastor said; “On Sunday mornings the pews are filled with regular church members. I can preach a little more forceful. Tell them what to do, so to speak. Because these folks already believe and need to be reminded of what those beliefs are. But on Saturday the folks that come are just learning. They need a message that invites them in, one that teaches, one that makes them feel like they belong. That’s the secret. They need to feel like they can belong while they learn to believe.
Last year over 40 % of the folks that called me when someone died didn’t have a service or they had one without my help. So for me to be successful all I’m trying to do now is get those folks to consider using me to help with their gathering. Any type of gathering, at any place they choose. I know why they should have a gathering. I’m a believer. I’m trying to get them to belong, while they learn to believe.
Dale, my friend, we were never on different paths. But we were having different conversations about different things. Like we were standing back to back. I knew that but couldn’t say it without departing from my message. Paul’s story is about a “seeker” church which is a “watered” down version of the megachurch movement with a watered down message. You are starting down a good path. You are a good man. With a great heart. Megachurches challenge, Seeker churches entice by inviting people to not make choices. Megachurches expect personal growth and commitment AND personal sacrifice, Seeker churches won’t do anything that threatens your coming back.
BTW you still owe me that framing statement. 😉
Alan,
Thanks again for the great article and direction. I think you are right on the mark, it is about reconnection, hard work and above all ” courage”. Your article is timely in this season of rebirth and renewal. Keep challenging the status quo!
Evan J. Strong
Very provocative! Anxious to hear the solutions!
Churches aren’t businesses Alan. Which is not to say that someone somewhere couldn’t put together a burial/cremation society based on a charismatic mega church model, I just don’t see any margin in it because it wouldn’t be a business.
The danger in using examples, BT, is that people focus on the example and not on the subject. sorry for distracting you. BTW Peter Drucker, esteemed management guru, saw a clear parallel between non profits and businesses. wrote a whole series of articles on it.
Models need to provide a framework for action Alan and I’m not seeing the action items for my business which are supposed to come from the mega-church model.
Churches work the way they do because of the internal commitment which comes from a particular interpretation of a source of spiritual inspiration (Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon etc.) and a sense of responsibility to an outside power most often referred to as God. Out of that inspiration sprouts volunteers who “market” the church (a.k.a. spread the good news) for free and anyone who donates to the cause gets a tax deduction. And because there’s no contracts or coercion, and because the organization is essentially democratic in its relationship with the membership, it all works. It’s a wonderful system and I have enjoyed belonging to some very fine churches over the years. But it’s not business.
For-profit businesses have a different role in people’s lives and so I’m not seeing the connection you’re trying to suggest between the mega church and the funeral home of the future.
Perhaps you would be kind enough to provide more specifics.
Thanks, BT
I need to reflect more on this. Al, I understand what you are saying. There is a way. After all, not all funeral homes are struggling. Some are doing quite well through this time. I want families to look at funeral directors for direction, just as they look at pastors. For the families we serve, discussing all possible options (that means offering a lot of options at your funeral home) and taking one step at a time (even if arrangements take 3 hours). Of course, we fight against the previous generation mindset of funeral directors being salesman. Basically, I do my best to be an anti-salesman to counteract and prove that is not us anymore; at least not our funeral home. As far as collecting money, that is being a businessman. Even a pastor is a businessman. There is a way to do it tastefully.
Joe, that’s what i am hoping all of us will do. If the normal response is to gather as a community, then how can we help them connect with that normality?
Alan,
You are 100% correct on this, as always, but the real challenge for all of us is that consumers of today, and certainly of tomorrrow, do not VALUE the old ways fo funeral service. Your parallel to Megachurchs is exactly right, people went to
those churches because they got more OUT of it than they did going to the rote and routine of established ones. Megachurchs bring out their instinctive spirituality in ways that traditional churches can not/will not. People aren’t less religious or spiritual today, but they have stopped going to traditional church because there is nothing in it for them. Exactly the same with Funeral Service– people aren’t getting what they need the “old way” so they stop coming, do much less or do something else entirely to satisfy their need. We, individually and collectively, must help them to do whatever brings them the value they need.
It’s called change and it happens every day, every year and with every generation.
One last tidbit from the introduction to a book titled: “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential–And Endangered”
“…a worrying set of trends shows a measurable decline in social connection in America. For example, 80 percent of Americans say that the only people whom they feel close enough to confide in are family members. A full quarter say that the trust no one at all with their intimate secrets. The proportion of people with no close friends or family members tripled between 1985 and 2004. Our trust in one another–an important factor in all types of relationships, personal and economic–has plummeted. Back in 1960, 58 percent of Americans endorsed the idea that ‘most people can be trusted’–but by 2008, this number was down to 32 percent.”
To me, that’s compelling data. People can do all kinds of amazing things (go to Disney, belong to a mega-church, spend 25 hours a week on X-box under the handle MegaBot4, etc. etc.) and still not end up feeling connected interpersonally with locals who might actually be in a position to show up for a funeral. And missing interpersonal relationships are very hard to replace or conjure up on the spur of the moment when someone dies.
I don’t know. Can we commercialize connectedness to the point where we can give these disparate persons a reason to gather for a funeral? I’m struggling to put my finger onto how you do that.
BT, I am not offering the the megachurch as a model but as a parallel. To quote peter drucker, “Non profits do not base their strategy on money…non profits start with the performance of the mission. starting with the mission focuses the organization on action. It creates a disciplined organization. It alone can prevent the most common degenerative disease of organizations…splintering their always limited resources on things that are ‘interesting’ or look ‘profitable’ rather than concentrating them on a very small number of productive efforts.” [see Steve McKee’s interview on narrowing your focus on this website] As an aside here: I have been saying that funeral service, in its preoccupation with activity is overserving its customer.
Drucker also cites Bill Hybels who literally went door to door asking: “Why don’t you go to church?” and then designed a church to answer those customer needs. Have you got the guts to go door to door asking people why they don’t have funerals? Of course this assumes that you have the ability to listen to what they are not saying. pretty good idea if you ask me.
From “What Businesses Can Learn From Non-Profits” by Peter Drucker.
as far as being specific, BT, what fun is that? It would just give you one more thing to shoot down. Then you’d be happy and I would only be frustated.
To me Alan, the business isn’t faced with spirituality questions. Of course people are spiritual and of course a fair number of people will gather in one form or another. But just because people gather doesn’t mean we will have an industry anywhere near its current size.
So much is predicated upon the rituals which surround a Christian burial and the very real and physical challenges which come from those rituals. It takes a lot of special equipment and knowledge to make a Christian burial come together.
Cremation changes the equation. Especially here in the Northeast where we can only be a funeral home. Once the cremation occurs, we’re just one more church hall, and it can be very difficult to compete with something that is free. Needless to say, this makes for a very different overhead structure, with a different service and staffing model.
I think I’ll figure something out. I think there will be funeral homes of some kind or another. But it’s fundamentally a different business with a very different cost structure.
We have lot’s to learn and unlearn in the years ahead.
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Alan,
Excellent article!! I couldn’t agree more and the parallel with the mega church trend is spot on. If people don’t care about religion, why are mega churches expanding all over the country? If people don’t care about connecting with others when a death occurs, why did millions of people watch the live video of Whitney Houston’s funeral?
Funeral home owners face two fundamental challenges. First, how do they reinvent their style of service so that it meets the needs of today’s (often dysfunctional) family. And second, how do they attract new families to their new style of service. You’ve got to address both issues to turn a business around.
Consumers have fundamentally changed and what they need from a funeral service provider has changed as well. You can ignore the changes and eventually lose your business or you can adapt, become relevant, and thrive.
The “good news” is that this fight can be won. It’s happening in small pockets all over the country right now.
Alan, First of all, let me “THANK YOU” for sharing some very candid insights into what are prevalent and critically key issues surrounding the funeral service profession. That you choose to “fight” over “flight” (or choosing “cowardice”, as you put it) is not only admirable in my humble estimation, but inspirational and vitally promising. I am new to this profession, taking a leap of faith into this new arena and charged with the task of marketing pre-need plans to the public at large, but with a focus on my fellow “baby boomers”. I don’t particularly like the connotations tied to “marketing” and yet a big part of what I do includes “sales and marketing”. Perhaps you can share some better “jargon” for what we’re doing out in the real world to “promote” planning for “afterlife” care or deathcare? In fact, in attempting to demonstrate the “caring” that needs to come before the “costing” … I’m struck by the notion of a real need for a NEW JARGON reflective of a sense of caring and concern for members of our community. A lot has been going through my mind as a result of reading your article. One of the reasons I even pursued this career path (outside of needing to generate some provision for my family) was how moved I was when I met the leadership of our funeral service, who were going “door to door” offering a very “soft sell” approach towards preparing for one’s final disposition … with “education” being the refrain to most of the products and services they offered. Their approach had me wanting more information to make informed decisions for my family and myself. My challenge now, having come aboard to help “educate” and respond to questions about this evolved professional service. To that end, I felt your insights provide much food for thought and I look forward to reading the linked articles attached to this forum. Finally, I invite any comments, tips, tricks, traps … advice … you might share for those of us entering into this battlefield of the funeral service mindset!
Welcome to a great profession. we do provide a service to society. Having spent 30 years in the preneed marketing arena I will tell you that the soft sell approach leaves consumers unsatisfied and ill informed and a whole bunch of “happy failure” sales people. But If we shouldn’t be soft sell what should we be? In my mind we need to be more than order takers. That’s what we have been for generations and we can’t afford many more years of that. No, we need to be experts, a role that demands we know what we offer and why it is important. I think consumers respect us when we respect ourselves. They want to know the truth but they don’t want to be manipulated. Do you need a copper casket? I don’t know if you do until I know you and what you are trying to accomplish. Yes, a cloth covered will do the job. But maybe it won’t do the job you want it to do.
Dennis, I see you are in san diego. today’s post will interest you even more.