Is it possible that in some markets people no longer care?

In this series on Funeral Apologetics I have pointed out that our real problem is cowardice and have endeavored to share some techniques that might help the profession fight for itself.  Several very thoughtful individuals (whom I also admire) have suggested that, in their market at least, people simply don’t care anymore.   In their opinion, the best that can be hoped for is to do more volume on a shrinking sales average.  But, I would ask: “Is it that people don’t care? Or, is it that people don’t care the way we think they should care?”

I need to make clear that my optimism on this subject springs not from rose-colored glasses.

  • Are we becoming irrelevant?  Possibly
  • Are our margins shrinking? Yes
  • Are we losing ground with every passing day? Yes
  • Do we know what we need to do? No
  • Is there a single solution? No
  • Is there any solution? I believe so, if we fight for it.

But this is not to dismiss the reality that the struggles and challenges faced on a daily basis by our profession, which confronts an increasingly disengaged customer, are both real and acute.  I am not suggesting that impacting this trend will be easy or quick.  It took us 30 years of neglect to get here.  Why should we expect overnight success?  That is specifically why I continue to use a “Fight” metaphor.  Because being passive is not working!  And doing nothing is cowardice.

What we believe and why we believe it is critical to our hope and foundational to our solution.  If we believe that people see us as irrelevant without exploring what lies behind that phenomenon then it ultimately becomes reality.  If we believe no one cares then…ultimately…no one will care.  Not because they aren’t wired to care but because they never knew why they should do some of those irrelevant things that…oddly…happen so spontaneously in tragic public and celebrity deaths.  

So, as painful as it is, it is up to us to care and to care very deeply.  And for us to care we must believe.

UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot, 

nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.

Dr. Seuss

Cognitive Dissonance

We all struggle with cognitive dissonance. But I seem to have an overdeveloped awareness of this human reaction.  Cognitive dissonance occurs when something happens in your experience that doesn’t fit your belief system or the facts as you know them.  What I believe and Why I believe it are tied directly to this Cognitive Dissonance.

First, A Parallel Example

More than ten years ago I began sharing the very distinct parallels between the “Megachurch” Phenomenon and trends in DeathCare.  I have often recommended that practitioners study local megachurches to better understand funeral trends.  The supposed “innovations” of video tributes, unconventional music and participatory services all have their genesis or at least their early signals in the “Megachurch” movement.

But here is the parallel that speaks to the issue of the decline of funeral service:  In mainline denominational churches, even today, across North America pastors and deacons are convinced that there is a decline in spirituality in America.  After all, you read about it all the time.  They struggle to fill the pews.  They compromise their standards to keep members and entice new members.  All to no real avail.  They conclude: “People just aren’t religious anymore.”

YET...and here is the cognitive dissonance…non denominational megachurches are exploding and growing to congregational sizes unimaginable 30 years ago.  More important, these new churches place GREATER demands and expectations on members than mainline denominations would ever dare.  People are excited to attend, they bring friends, they attend bible studies and compulsory home fellowships.  The message on Sunday is often stronger and more convicting.

What gives?

Some 40 years ago a young man by the name of Bill Hybels, struggling with the decline in church membership, did not say: “People aren’t religious any more.”  Instead, he began to study those who were not attending.  He found that they were looking for greater meaning, purpose and commitment…not less.

Now, the danger in drawing your attention to this parallel is the temptation to look at the cosmetics of this phenomenon and decide it’s about buildings or programs.  Those of you who are faith driven will at least know that the Holy Spirit had a significant leadership role.  But, I don’t have the time to go into the real drivers of the megachurch movement nor is this the place anyway.

Cognitive Dissonance in DeathCare

People point to the growth of the Celebrant movement in DeathCare as proof of the decline in religion.  Yet every celebrant I have spoken with tells me the majority of families ask for scripture and hymns even for someone who has never been to church.  Cognitive Dissonance.

When a celebrity like Princess Dianna, Michael Jackson, Elvis and Whitney Houston dies the spontaneous outpouring of emotion and the need to gather as a community takes on surreal proportions.  The need to permanently memorialize is deeply felt by people who don’t have the remotest personal connection to the family or the deceased.   Cognitive Dissonance.

When tragic deaths occur like the Virginia Tech Massacre or a high school driving accident, kids and their parents…the whole community… spontaneously pour out of their homes to comfort each other and total strangers with a touch a word…tears.  Cognitive Dissonance.

So, if people no longer care, if religion is dying why do these things happen?

My belief is that god has wired us to need to gather, to physically comfort and touch when we are stressed.  This is the NORMAL response.  Whatever need is satisfied by gathering…affirmation, love, comfort…it is only satisfied physically in the community of others.  There is also comfort in having a sense of what we can do and / or should do that restores some order out of the chaos.  And when there is a loss, we feel that loss needs permanent memorialization.  These are not “Madison Avenue” inventions.  They are human needs.  Real needs…Real values.   Today, If they go unmet, in most cases, the outcome is no longer traumatic.  But if they are met the outcome is much, much better.

THAT, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what we do!!

THAT is the contribution we make to society!!

So, how do we become a megachurch?  Well, I hope you don’t try.  Too many mainline churches have sent missions to study megachurches only to return with the building plans and programs while completely missing the drivers.  We have to ask and then answer our own questions and that is what “Fighting For Yourself” is about.  If no one cares anymore, why do people need to gather, call, visit?  If religion is declining why do families ask Celebrants to incorporate scripture and hymns?  etc. etc.

We have accepted as truth something that isn’t true: “People don’t care any more.” Think of it this way:  If we walk into a room and flick on the light switch and the lights don’t come on we assume that something is broken…the lightbulb, the breaker, the switch.   We do not assume that the nature of electricity has changed and it no longer lights a light bulb.  DeathCare meets a need in human beings.  It corresponds with basic…fundamental…human values.

I don’t think that people no longer care.  I am not willing to accept that as a universal premise.  Instead, I think they have become disconnected from their need and from their values.  They are confused…and we are confused…about how to meet those needs and values and the options they have for expression.  Imagine, for a moment what it would feel like if your spouse of 50 years died and no one acknowledged it.  I think it might make you bitter.

Marketing Strategist, Steve McKee, Says: “Whenever there is confusion in the marketplace it means there is a misunderstanding.”  In my experience, whenever there is confusion in the marketplace there are plenty of people willing to jump in and straighten it out.  As far as I can see most of the people jumping in right now are not focusing on real human values.  They are opportunists.  They are only focusing on the economics.  Probably because that’s easy.  But it’s also temporary.

It’s your livelihood.  Are you willing to fight for it?

Our challenge is not to convince People but to reconnect them.  

Our task is not to lower our expectations but to raise theirs.

The MegaChurch Success: A hint

Megachurches are often thought to have been “Built and people just came.”  I know something about this movement.  You are not going to find a successful megachurch that wasn’t built with a heavy emphasis on prayer, personal sacrifice and hard work.  and so it will be for us.  But the real secret-sauce is their ability to connect people with Purpose and Values.   There is a direct parallel in DeathCare.  But I will let you, dear reader, stew on that…at least for a while.

The Problem is Not Cremation

Funeral Apologetics 101: Stop Clinging To Your Despair

Funeral Apologetics 101A: 8 Principles of Successful Optimism

Disenthrall Yourself of Your Dogma

Don’t Confuse Me With Your Facts