Breaking The Cycle

DeathCare is in its 13th year of declining profitability.  Last year is reported as our worst year ever and it’s beginning to tell.   Answer these questions:

___Do you sometimes feel trapped?

___Do you sometimes dread going to work?

___Is it easier to do it yourself than tell someone how to do it?

___Do you resent the pressure you feel?

___Do you resent others in your life?

___Do you find yourself whining?

___Do you wonder if you will ever be able to get out?

___Do you wonder if there is any point in all your efforts?

Most of us feel these things occasionally but if it has become a large part of your emotional life there are two things you need to keep in mind:  1) You are far from alone; and 2) You may be contributing to your own problems.   This article gives you some direction in breaking the cycle.  But first a couple of stories that will help you better understand what I am going to share with you. 

Sisyphus was a legendary Greek king who angered the gods and, as punishment, was condemned to push a large boulder up hill for eternity.  As soon as he got to the top of the hill the boulder would roll down the other side and he would have to push it up again.   Eternity is a long time.

There are days we all feel like Sysiphus… trapped in a never ending cycle without meaningful results.  All alone we try to plot our course, take the risks and try with all our might to motivate staff, gain market share, improve profitability and, most important, improve customer satisfaction.  But, more often than not we seem to always find ourselves back where we started.  Worse yet, if we are honest, we are often behind where we started.

Years ago an individual was brave enough to say something to me that broke this cycle, although, at the time, it made me very angry.  He did it intentionally, knowing it would have that result.  Once I calmed down, the truth of what he said motivated me beyond anything else he could have done.  I made a plaque out of it and it stands on my desk to this day:

“We Are Where We Are…Because That Is Where We Want To Be.”

A biblical story provides an excellent frame of reference:  We all know (or should know) the story of Jesus healing the blind man and how, once healed, he jumped and cavorted around the temple in his excitement at being able to see.  There are many, many lessons in this tale but for me the most profound one is rarely explored.

To see ourselves in this story we must look beyond the miracle of his healing.   His obsession had been: “If only I could see.”  He didn’t realize that his healing would create an entirely new problem.  Think about what it would have been like for the blind man the next day, after the excitement and public attention had died down and he was left to himself.  He had a whole new reality to come to terms with.  He knew how to be blind.  Now he had to learn to function with sight.  Remember all his relationships were based on being blind.  His livelihood was dependent on being blind…he knew how to function in a blind world.   In many ways it must have been frightening.  Everything that was familiar to him had changed dramatically.  Suddenly, he was forced into a new reality and, for him, there was no turning back.

The point is: some of us have learned how to be Sisyphus.  In fact, we have come to like it.  We know how to function in our dysfunction.   Like the blind man, it has come to define us.  Our friends are others who feel trapped just like us.  Our collective whining is a form of release that shields us from facing the fact that we are where we are…because that is where we want to be.  It enables us to create excuses by blaming others.  Being Sisyphus is part of our comfort zone and as appealing as ending the meaningless cycle may be, our behavior tells us we really don’t want a new reality to cope with.   By accepting responsibility for our circumstances we take a giant step towards a new and better reality.  By accepting responsibility we begin to see that we have many more options than we thought.  Our epiphany is that it doesn’t have to be like this.  But there is a catch, it means that the key is no longer that others change their behavior but that we change ours.

One of the most rewarding times of my business coaching practice is when I help someone reach the point where they realize they have many more options than they thought they had.  This is often a true “Ah Ha!” experience and is always accompanied by renewed energy and enthusiasm.  My part is simply helping them stand back from the trees just enought to see the forest.

Personally, when I decided that I didn’t want to be my own victim any longer, I found ways to break the cycle. For me,  one of the most important of these was realizing that there are no perfect people.  Everyone has their own dysfunction.  Some hide it better than others.  Many dysfunctions are socially acceptable anyway.  (Think whining at DeathCare conventions) Still everyone, in one way or another, is limited by their own self perception. 

But the first step…and the most important step…is to choose to take personal responsibility for oneself and stop seeing yourself as a victim.  It is absolutely awesome what you can do when you make that choice…or should I say commitment.

Among the more powerful benefits is:  You start spending more time with people who would rather happen to life than have life happen to them.  This will increase your own optimism and energy.   One of the things I am sure our blind man found himself doing was hanging out with a different crowd:  metaphorically “People with vision”

So, here is an action item:  Find people who don’t whine.  Deliberately step away from negative conversations and avoid people who dwell on negative things.  To change your situation the best place to start is to change your environment.  Maybe you can’t take a month off.  But you can sure choose the people you interact with.  Find a mentor who can hold you accountable.  Attitude is often 90% of the solution.

The best way to change is not because you have to or even because you want to…but because you have found a better way.        

Where are you?     Is that really where you want to be?