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Obituaries and Artificial Intelligence

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 2 Comments on Obituaries and Artificial Intelligence

Artificial Intelligence – Doing more efficiently that which is already done poorly.

It’s all the buzz – Artificial Intelligence. Of course the excitable “hand wringers” among us are already speculating about its disruptive potential. Perhaps this time they are right.  It remains to be seen.

AI’s first toehold is in the writing of obituaries. Feeling, as I do, that obituary writing has become far too mundane and formulaic this makes sense.  But the initial results, in my opinion, are disappointing.  Out of curiosity, I sought out several firms who are experimenting with AI obituaries and my response is underwhelming.  It appears that AI, at best, is simply making more efficient a task that is in dire need of reinvention. As so often happens, funeral directors mistake efficiency for effectiveness.

I was hoping that AI would be able to make the obituary more robust, engaging and personal.  Instead it perpetuates the same old industrial template of the past. In fact, having read multiple obituaries written by the same AI program there was a notable sameness to each.  I doubt most people would read multiple obituaries from the same site so maybe it doesn’t matter. Still, they left me with the same one or two dimensional insight to the deceased that all obituaries have given me.

Well, Alan, how can we do this differently?

To me the obituary and how it is written is one of the more powerful ways we can differentiate ourselves.  Think of it this way: to me, the standard obituary is black and white; a great obituary is color.  Meaning that I get a much richer and more robust sense of who the person was and maybe it even generates a sadness I didn’t know them better.

I am told AI will improve with time.  But for now, I think humans can do better. But only if they will.

I recently encountered a simple yet effective (and efficient too) approach to obituaries that takes the standard black and white obituary and causes it to blossom into full 3D color.  There is no question in my mind that I would jump on this method.  I believe it will do much more than differentiate you from the competition but substantially improve your family loyalty.

You can check it out here:  The Healing Obituary

Disclaimer: I have no business relationship formal or otherwise with The Healing Obituary.  I just believe they can make a positive difference in our profession and for your firm.

 

 

It’s All In The Attitude

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 2 Comments on It’s All In The Attitude

My friend, Howard Beckham, responded to last week’s video on customer service at Starbucks with the following comment. I feel if all of us would adopt his attitude we would see much happier customers.  Thank you Howard.

“Many years ago as an 18 year old working at J.C. Penney Co. I began to understand the real importance of customer service. It dawned on me one day that it really wasn’t Penney’s that paid me, it was the customers I was helping who purchased items from me at Penney’s that I was “really” working for. I used to go out of my way to be helpful on the sales floor no matter what department they put me in. (I did find it a bit awkward once when a floor manager with a sense of humor assigned me to ladies intimate apparel one evening).

When I later moved to selling photocopiers form several years on commission I really learned who my “real” boss was….my customers. When they bought from me I got paid. (how simple is that to figure out?) And who made sure the customers who bought from me here taken care of properly when they had a service issue, you can bet who the customer frequently called first.

When I returned to the funeral business over a decade ago now, this time as a licensed funeral director, I remembered the lessons I had learned about customer service and endeavored (even though at times I felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill) to be an example to others of a positive attitude and selfless service. I can see the difference it has had on many people I am around. I might be making some small positive difference.

In the Scriptures we learn so many great things….especially about service to others. Three concepts ring in my ears most every day.

1. You receive no witness until after a trial of your faith.
2. Sometime you just have to press on, enduring until the end with faith.
3 When you are in the service of others, it is the same as if you are serving The Master.

We are in a service business way beyond what any other service businesses even contemplate. What we do day in and day out is actually important. We need to remember that and do it well.

Howard Beckham is a practicing funeral director in Florida. He is currently president – elect of the Independent Funeral Directors of Florida.

 

The Wind Is Changing – The Conversation Project

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in Video, The Creedy Commentary, The Video Blog. 6 Comments on The Wind Is Changing – The Conversation Project

For months now I have been telling DeathCare that the wind is changing in our favor.  The public attitude toward death and dying is changing at the GLOBAL level.  For the present those involved in this are all “grass roots” initiatives springing up independent of each other wherever I look.  I have examples in Singapore and Milwaukee, Vancouver and Boston, New York and Philadelphia.

People WANT to talk about the subject with their parents and with each other and, for now, they see DeathCare as experts who can help them with the information they need.

Eventually, someone will need an enemy to push against and since we make a convenient patsy they will choose us and if history is any prediction we will let them (our fault for letting them, not theirs).

ABC News has picked up the banner of The Conversation Project, A Harvard Medical School Initiative.  Watch this short video.

if you are unable to view click here

What I would do:

I would transform my bereavement program which really only impacts 10% of those I serve to a “PreDeath” Project and incorporate the Conversation Project and some of the other stuff I am gathering and make my funeral home the local expert on this matter.

The Non Question: Why Are Funerals So Expensive?

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 10 Comments on The Non Question: Why Are Funerals So Expensive?

This question and its brother: “How much does a funeral cost?”  Are non questions.  When we attempt to answer them directly with rational logical explanations we only end up annoying most people.  Especially if we weigh them down with a litany of hours, cost of having a building and the time we waste being ready to take their call.

S0, how do we respond to these questions when they are posed? I use the word respond instead of answer because respond is what we should do.  But first a little background.

During the last 30 years funerals have morphed from being a simple product (where the only real decision was selecting a casket) to a complex product. That is complex as opposed to complicated.  (another one of those Creedyesque nuances).  Complex as applied to products and services is actually a well-defined concept among sales and marketing experts.  I don’t know who has missed this, the advertising agencies specializing in our industry or the funeral professional.  Probably both.  Our continued belief that we are a simple product / service is a large part of why we have so much trouble engaging the public.  But I digress…

Among the attributes of complex products and services are that they are expensive and buyers have an inadequate frame of reference from which to assess value. Complex services also involve buyer resistance and, often, multiple decision makers.  But most important among the attributes of complex products is this one which is entirely new to our paradigm:

In addition to the age old “why buy from you?”  it includes “why buy at all?” 

 What people, then, are really asking is not about cost.   It is:

“Why have a funeral at all?”

How to respond

Again, we should respond instead of react or defend.  And the first thing to do is offer a challenge.  Something the inquirer has to react or respond to.

As products and / or services become more complex the natural tendency of people is to look for ways to reduce that complexity and its attendant risk.  Opting out altogether is one way of doing that.  But in the majority of cases that is not what people really want.

It turns out that what people want is for someone to offer them a new and unique perspective and then teach them how that perspective best fits their real need.

When I am asked this question I redirect the conversation by challenging my inquirer.  In this case I might say: “Actually, when you think about it, it’s surprising funerals aren’t more expensive than they are.”

Typically, people give me that “tell me more” look.  So, I will continue with something like:

“Well, honoring a loved one is a pretty important thing in most peoples lives and you only get to do it once, right?  It takes a special skill to be able to pull that off without notice in 3 or 4 days time and be effective at it.”

Generally, that will get me into a conversation.  Sometimes it’s a “tell me more” conversation and sometimes it’s something else like: “I’d just as soon skip the whole thing”.  Either way I am prepared because my response to either is pretty much the same:

“What I find when people really get a chance to talk about it…I mean after they get over the whole ‘creepy’ thing…is that they really do want to be remembered and they have something to say.  If you go back over 4,000 years of human history we have always had this need and always had designated people who helped us with it.

My observation is when people take the easy way out and do nothing they aren’t giving people a chance to do what’s normal like gathering and comforting.  When we are under any kind of stress we need other people around and we need physical touch and reassurance.  Otherwise we could get stuck in our sadness and despair.

So, It may sound creepy but it really isn’t.  It’s hard work helping people with their sorrow come to a better place…to find release.  Wouldn’t that be what you would want for those you leave behind…release and transformation and not being forgotten I mean?”

And then, of course, I shut up because 99 times out of 100 I have opened the gates and they want to talk and all I have to do is listen and explore options.

Ain’t so hard really.  You just have to make certain assumptions that I think a lot of practitioners aren’t making any more.

  1. The need to gather and comfort and offer physical reassurance is a normal and natural human need
  2. The need to designate someone in society to coordinate that activity is time honored
  3. If people opt out their needs aren’t met and…MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL
  4. PEOPLE REALLY REALLY DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT…WHEN THEY FEEL SAFE.

 

Why Families Seem Ruder Today and Some Tips on How To Respond

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 3 Comments on Why Families Seem Ruder Today and Some Tips on How To Respond

Funeral Directors are increasingly distressed about being treated rudely by families. This rudeness often causes practitioners to lose control of vital conversations at critical moments.  Industry vendors know that Funeral Directors can be very rude as well.   In my opinion the reasons both are rude is fundamentally the same.

And Yes! Funeral Directors can be very rude when they want to be.

This is very important because it is causing a lot of Funeral Directors to lose control in conversations with the public when they should be in control (in control as opposed to taking control).

For several years now we have seen an increase in dysfunctional families in the arrangement conference.  THEY are not in agreement so we struggle to reach consensus.  Emotions run high and we wear ourselves out trying to keep a lid on the scene.

The reason things get out of control is that we are more focused on the content (making arrangements and making them meaningful) and we fail to understand we are equally responsible for influencing the conditions (how people are interacting, body language, etc.)  The one thing, manifested in a myriad of ways, that throws that monkey wrench every time is fear.  So what you are looking for is signs that people are feeling unsafe.  Many funeral directors are relatively adept at this.  It is the new levels of rudeness that is taking them off guard.  They make the mistake of taking it personally rather than seeing it for what it is:  A defense mechanism.

We don’t need to go into all the reasons for feeling unsafe in an arrangements conference or at a funeral.  But people tend to react to this feeling in one of two ways: Silence or Violence.  It is up to you, dear director, to be alert to either of these and recognize and respond to them early.  Rudeness can be classified as violence most of the time but it has a silent mode and that’s the one funeral directors employ so often.

Your job is to create and periodically restore a sense of safety to the conversation.  The first step is to recognize the signals and then the second is to kick your brain into gear and bring everyone back into safety.  Sometimes that takes backbone.  If some one is cussing you out it might be a good tactic to suggest another funeral home might serve their needs better.  Many times humor can work better.  Try to stop talking, look directly at your troublemaker and say something silly like: “Was that your cat I stepped on on the way in?”  and then, of course, shut up.  Maybe suggesting a time out will bring people to the realization they are behaving like children.

Silence and violence have three forms each:

Silence

  • Masking
  • Avoiding
  • Withdrawing

Violence

  • Controlling
  • Labeling
  • Attacking

So what does this have to do with why funeral directors can be rude?

Funeral directors tend to be nice people.  They avoid conflict and confrontation like the plague and hate delivering bad news.  Often they employ rude techniques when dealing with vendors they don’t want to work with. Delivering bad news takes them out of their comfort zone.   They miss appointments, keep people waiting, forget to show up, never return phone calls.  They hope the guy will get the message without realizing the damage done to their own reputation.  If you work long in funeral service you get used to this and realize it is just part of the game we have to play.  In life you have to take the good with the bad.  What most funeral directors don’t realize is that a polite “No” is a kinder and gentler act than the avoidance / withdrawal behavior so often manifested by some of our best practitioners.  Yes, I realize there are vendors who are overly persistent but that just means you need to be a little more assertive yourself.

P.S.  You and your staff can master handling “High Risk” conversations in a course I can deliver for your staff at your funeral home:

“Conversations That Matter”: How to Build Consensus and Relationships Through Positive Communication

Funerals As Counter Culture

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary, General Topics. 7 Comments on Funerals As Counter Culture

Are we rapidly moving toward a “Post-Funeral”culture?

I don’t think so.

After 50 years of steady decline in public attitudes towards funerals the pendulum is swinging back our way.  Like Croci in the spring, the signs are poking through the frost if you will just look and this week’s post is one excellent example.

30 years ago a handful of brave pastors ignored the then-prevailing cultural surface signals and the revival we have come to know as the “mega-church” movement began.  The common belief at the time was that people just weren’t religious any more.  The actual reality was that many people had a deep need to grow in their faith, they just weren’t getting that need met by the traditional church.  Those churches that reinvented their form to meet the need for a deeper relationship with god experienced both dramatic growth and equally dramatic cultural impact.  If you are close to that movement you know that the founders changed the form while making the substance even stronger.  They demanded things of their constituents who willingly responded that no mainline denomination pastor would dare ask.

I believe we have that same opportunity now as the anti funeral movement begins to lose its voice.

My friend Grant Mckenzie of Sarnia, Ontario shared an amazing article with me last week that illustrates my point well.

In response to the decision of a beloved elder to forgo a funeral, Pastor Edwin Searcy of University Hill United Church of Canada decided to conduct a study group on death in his church in Vancouver, BC.  The results will surprise you.  With his permission it is reproduced in PDF format in its entirety at the bottom of this page.

As a Christian Believer I found this a profoundly insightful article and a personal challenge to examine my own response to funerals in my church.  It both strengthens my faith and challenges me to support my fellow believers in their time of need.  Even if when I don’t know them or their family personally.  Here are some excerpts from Rev. Searcy’s experience with his study group I think you will find interesting:

“They spoke of how empty it feels when there is no opportunity to gather to grieve…”

“Speaking about death in this way was a new experience in the congregation.”

“What really captured the interest of the gathered group were questions of how we as a congregation will deal with death when it occurs.  It was as if we recognized intuitively that in the marking of death we are confronted with powers that seek to erase the church’s memory and entice it to abandon its daring witness.”

“If it is no great loss when someone dies, if it is possible to die and make no noticeable impact on the fabric of the church and the community, then the claims made at baptism are false.  It is critical to the church that every death of one of its number be grieved.”

“A voice in the group questioned the way in which we decide whose funeral to attend…Death is not a private matter that affects only those who are friends and family.  It is a public event that affects the whole church and calls the whole congregation together to grieve and to witness to the good news of god in the face of death.”

“Caring for the dying and for the dead is a practice that disciplines the church to wash the feet of the poorest of the poor.”

“Our elders need to unlearn their fear of becoming a burden, so that the whole congregation has the opportunity to respond to the call to serve and to carry our cross.”

“We noticed that by ignoring and silencing conversations about death we had unwittingly simply absorbed the assumptions of the culture we inhabit.”

“Our study group discovered we have simply adopted the ways in which our culture figures death out.”

There is a nascent global movement afoot to “bring death out of the closet”.  As the last taboo subject “Boomers” the world over are determined to make death a healthy topic of conversation.  Rev. Searcy’s study group is an excellent example of this movement.

So, here is what I would do:

  1. I would print out copies of Rev. Searcy’s article and give copies to each staff member and leave copies in my lobby for the public.
  2. I would make an appointment with every Christian clergy in town and share this article with them and offer to facilitate a discussion group with their church. (You can see a copy of the outline for the first session by clicking here)
  3. I would stop looking down on those funeral practitioners that view their job as a form of ministry because it appears that it really is.

I believe the public wants to talk.  They will find an outlet.  If not you then who?

Reverend Searcy publishes a blog called The Holy Scribbler I encourage you to subscribe.

Click the red lettering below to download the PDF file of Dr. Searcy’s comments.

Funerals as Counter Cultural~Edwin Searcy

The Secret Sauce: How We Might Resurrect DeathCare

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 18 Comments on The Secret Sauce: How We Might Resurrect DeathCare

Is it possible that in some markets people no longer care?

In this series on Funeral Apologetics I have pointed out that our real problem is cowardice and have endeavored to share some techniques that might help the profession fight for itself.  Several very thoughtful individuals (whom I also admire) have suggested that, in their market at least, people simply don’t care anymore.   In their opinion, the best that can be hoped for is to do more volume on a shrinking sales average.  But, I would ask: “Is it that people don’t care? Or, is it that people don’t care the way we think they should care?”

I need to make clear that my optimism on this subject springs not from rose-colored glasses.

  • Are we becoming irrelevant?  Possibly
  • Are our margins shrinking? Yes
  • Are we losing ground with every passing day? Yes
  • Do we know what we need to do? No
  • Is there a single solution? No
  • Is there any solution? I believe so, if we fight for it.

But this is not to dismiss the reality that the struggles and challenges faced on a daily basis by our profession, which confronts an increasingly disengaged customer, are both real and acute.  I am not suggesting that impacting this trend will be easy or quick.  It took us 30 years of neglect to get here.  Why should we expect overnight success?  That is specifically why I continue to use a “Fight” metaphor.  Because being passive is not working!  And doing nothing is cowardice.

What we believe and why we believe it is critical to our hope and foundational to our solution.  If we believe that people see us as irrelevant without exploring what lies behind that phenomenon then it ultimately becomes reality.  If we believe no one cares then…ultimately…no one will care.  Not because they aren’t wired to care but because they never knew why they should do some of those irrelevant things that…oddly…happen so spontaneously in tragic public and celebrity deaths.  

So, as painful as it is, it is up to us to care and to care very deeply.  And for us to care we must believe.

UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot, 

nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.

Dr. Seuss

Cognitive Dissonance

We all struggle with cognitive dissonance. But I seem to have an overdeveloped awareness of this human reaction.  Cognitive dissonance occurs when something happens in your experience that doesn’t fit your belief system or the facts as you know them.  What I believe and Why I believe it are tied directly to this Cognitive Dissonance.

First, A Parallel Example

More than ten years ago I began sharing the very distinct parallels between the “Megachurch” Phenomenon and trends in DeathCare.  I have often recommended that practitioners study local megachurches to better understand funeral trends.  The supposed “innovations” of video tributes, unconventional music and participatory services all have their genesis or at least their early signals in the “Megachurch” movement.

But here is the parallel that speaks to the issue of the decline of funeral service:  In mainline denominational churches, even today, across North America pastors and deacons are convinced that there is a decline in spirituality in America.  After all, you read about it all the time.  They struggle to fill the pews.  They compromise their standards to keep members and entice new members.  All to no real avail.  They conclude: “People just aren’t religious anymore.”

YET...and here is the cognitive dissonance…non denominational megachurches are exploding and growing to congregational sizes unimaginable 30 years ago.  More important, these new churches place GREATER demands and expectations on members than mainline denominations would ever dare.  People are excited to attend, they bring friends, they attend bible studies and compulsory home fellowships.  The message on Sunday is often stronger and more convicting.

What gives?

Some 40 years ago a young man by the name of Bill Hybels, struggling with the decline in church membership, did not say: “People aren’t religious any more.”  Instead, he began to study those who were not attending.  He found that they were looking for greater meaning, purpose and commitment…not less.

Now, the danger in drawing your attention to this parallel is the temptation to look at the cosmetics of this phenomenon and decide it’s about buildings or programs.  Those of you who are faith driven will at least know that the Holy Spirit had a significant leadership role.  But, I don’t have the time to go into the real drivers of the megachurch movement nor is this the place anyway.

Cognitive Dissonance in DeathCare

People point to the growth of the Celebrant movement in DeathCare as proof of the decline in religion.  Yet every celebrant I have spoken with tells me the majority of families ask for scripture and hymns even for someone who has never been to church.  Cognitive Dissonance.

When a celebrity like Princess Dianna, Michael Jackson, Elvis and Whitney Houston dies the spontaneous outpouring of emotion and the need to gather as a community takes on surreal proportions.  The need to permanently memorialize is deeply felt by people who don’t have the remotest personal connection to the family or the deceased.   Cognitive Dissonance.

When tragic deaths occur like the Virginia Tech Massacre or a high school driving accident, kids and their parents…the whole community… spontaneously pour out of their homes to comfort each other and total strangers with a touch a word…tears.  Cognitive Dissonance.

So, if people no longer care, if religion is dying why do these things happen?

My belief is that god has wired us to need to gather, to physically comfort and touch when we are stressed.  This is the NORMAL response.  Whatever need is satisfied by gathering…affirmation, love, comfort…it is only satisfied physically in the community of others.  There is also comfort in having a sense of what we can do and / or should do that restores some order out of the chaos.  And when there is a loss, we feel that loss needs permanent memorialization.  These are not “Madison Avenue” inventions.  They are human needs.  Real needs…Real values.   Today, If they go unmet, in most cases, the outcome is no longer traumatic.  But if they are met the outcome is much, much better.

THAT, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what we do!!

THAT is the contribution we make to society!!

So, how do we become a megachurch?  Well, I hope you don’t try.  Too many mainline churches have sent missions to study megachurches only to return with the building plans and programs while completely missing the drivers.  We have to ask and then answer our own questions and that is what “Fighting For Yourself” is about.  If no one cares anymore, why do people need to gather, call, visit?  If religion is declining why do families ask Celebrants to incorporate scripture and hymns?  etc. etc.

We have accepted as truth something that isn’t true: “People don’t care any more.” Think of it this way:  If we walk into a room and flick on the light switch and the lights don’t come on we assume that something is broken…the lightbulb, the breaker, the switch.   We do not assume that the nature of electricity has changed and it no longer lights a light bulb.  DeathCare meets a need in human beings.  It corresponds with basic…fundamental…human values.

I don’t think that people no longer care.  I am not willing to accept that as a universal premise.  Instead, I think they have become disconnected from their need and from their values.  They are confused…and we are confused…about how to meet those needs and values and the options they have for expression.  Imagine, for a moment what it would feel like if your spouse of 50 years died and no one acknowledged it.  I think it might make you bitter.

Marketing Strategist, Steve McKee, Says: “Whenever there is confusion in the marketplace it means there is a misunderstanding.”  In my experience, whenever there is confusion in the marketplace there are plenty of people willing to jump in and straighten it out.  As far as I can see most of the people jumping in right now are not focusing on real human values.  They are opportunists.  They are only focusing on the economics.  Probably because that’s easy.  But it’s also temporary.

It’s your livelihood.  Are you willing to fight for it?

Our challenge is not to convince People but to reconnect them.  

Our task is not to lower our expectations but to raise theirs.

The MegaChurch Success: A hint

Megachurches are often thought to have been “Built and people just came.”  I know something about this movement.  You are not going to find a successful megachurch that wasn’t built with a heavy emphasis on prayer, personal sacrifice and hard work.  and so it will be for us.  But the real secret-sauce is their ability to connect people with Purpose and Values.   There is a direct parallel in DeathCare.  But I will let you, dear reader, stew on that…at least for a while.

The Problem is Not Cremation

Funeral Apologetics 101: Stop Clinging To Your Despair

Funeral Apologetics 101A: 8 Principles of Successful Optimism

Disenthrall Yourself of Your Dogma

Don’t Confuse Me With Your Facts

Don’t Confuse Me With Your Facts

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 2 Comments on Don’t Confuse Me With Your Facts

Apologists must be aware of 4 generally accepted fallacies:

  1. Consumers think in a well-reasoned rational way
      1. In fact, emotions are closely interwoven with the reasoning process.  Most often they are dominant.
  2. Consumers can readily explain their behavior and thinking
      1. 95% of our thinking is unconscious.  Our rational mind serves mainly to make sense of behavior AFTER it is executed
  3. Consumer’s memories accurately represent their experiences
      1. In fact, consumers memories represent what they think about their experiences not the experiences themselves
  4. Consumers think in words
      1. We think in terms of images.  If I say the word “dog” you do not call to mind a biological description of a dog.  Instead, you bring to mind a picture of a dog.  And your dog is likely to be different from my dog

We Make Choices With Our Emotions…

We Explain Those Choices With Our Intellect

So we THINK consumers make choices and decisions with their rational faculties when, instead, they make them with their hearts.  We think (and, frankly, they think) they draw an imaginary “pro” and “con” chart and make the best decision based on The Facts.  When, in fact, they are rationalizing a choice already made in the subconscious.

Our emotions, by definition, are unconscious.  So, our challenge, as an Apologist, is to speak to those emotions.  So, never argue the facts, the evidence or try to be rational.  The doorway to this soul is stories.   And, if you have been in practice for long, you have lots of stories.

Your objective is not to persuade but to challenge their thinking.  My friend, Bob Speaks, insists on sharing all options with every customer.  I think this is why he is effective.   His professionalism dictates that he enable people to make informed choices by understanding all their options.  Epiphanies are not uncommon and you know this because you experience the same thing when people say to you:  “We didn’t know we could do that.”

The arrangement conference is not the best place for these conversations because it is typically emotionally charged and barriers tend to be up.  But, that is the hand we are dealt.  This is where the risk comes in.  But, let’s assume you are working with a family that is resistant and closed.  What have you really got to lose?  Most likely they don’t like you any way.  The damage is done so how is “damage control” going to help?  Why not stand up for yourself and share what you believe?

On the other hand industry veterans often recognize resistance as a challenge they need to rise to.

VIPS:

Valuable, Important, Permission, Story

My friend, William Bonacorda, shared a concept with me I have found works in awkward situations.  In a situation where two parties might disagree and there is resistance and tension I have learned to remind myself of these 4 steps.

Valuable: Acknowledge that their perspective is valuable and, in fact they are valuable.   “You know, a lot of people feel that way and even though I am in the profession I can relate.  I appreciate your sharing your viewpoint.”  Is a good opener.

Important: Acknowledge that the topic is important, not only to you and them but to their family and friends.  “Even though more and more people are choosing alternative services it is important that we work through the issues and understand WHY we make the choices we make.  Since we only get to make these choices once, it is important that we at least become aware of the options available to us.”

Permission: Ask permission to share.  Most will say yes, but if they say no, then that’s it.  “Would it be ok if I shared why I chose this profession?  I get a lot of personal gratification from helping families and I feel that if I could share that people might understand me better.”  You have personalized the issue in this case.  You have also made yourself vulnerable which many  people will interpret as trustworthiness.  Which, hopefully, you are.”

Story: This is where I put them in the picture by telling stories; and you have hundreds.  “I chose this profession because I think it makes a very significant contribution to society.  When a death occurs people, including friends and coworkers, are often stressed.  They don’t know what to do.  They anticipate it will be expensive… and it can.  But it doesn’t have to be.  They worry about losing emotional control.

My job is to bring order out of this chaos and restore a sense of dignity.  It saddens me that people are choosing to avoid it all, not because it is my livelihood but because we are wired to need human interaction in times like these.  And I get to see families and friends every year that have to suffer the consequences of poor choices.  In times of stress people need the comfort of others.  Both physically and emotionally.  We need to be touched and we need to touch others.  Let me give you an example, [fill in your own story].”

It is not my intent to create a script.  But I have found this process effective.  I know many of my readers have found effective techniques or approaches and it would be appreciated if you felt like sharing.

 

The Problem is Not Cremation

Funeral Apologetics 101: Stop Clinging To Your Despair

Funeral Apologetics 101A: 8 Principles of Successful Optimism

Disenthrall Yourself of Your Dogma

 

The Problem is Not Cremation…

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 16 Comments on The Problem is Not Cremation…

…The problem is cowardice!!

There, it’s been said. Plain and simple:  We have been unwilling to stand up for what we believe and now we are not sure we believe it any more. After all how long can you get beat up and still try to stand?  So, instead of taking a stand we assume the “Bunny Rabbit” Position: we blame them.  Society is going downhill.  It’s not our fault.  If they just understood… We are victims of society’s decline.  And there it is… in a nutshell…we have come to see ourselves as victims.

Why do funeral professionals spend so much time fighting among themselves and never fighting for themselves? Why is so much time spent on fence building only to find ourselves fenced out instead of in? Why is so much emotional energy spent on not-losing-a-call and none spent on getting 5 more calls? Why so much antipathy among funeral directors and cemeterians? Why, so much anger toward the public “who doesn’t understand us” and no attempt to stand up for ourselves?  Why obsess about the handful of families who don’t appreciate us like we would like while we ignore the dozens of families who sincerely appreciate how we have helped them?  We have become “approval junkies!”

Everywhere I go I find funeral directors burned out, frustrated and in emotional pain.  But I don’t find many who are willing to take responsibility and take a stand.  We are confused and belittled by the growing rejection we feel when people “opt out”.  But, I have come to believe that we are only telling stories to ourselves that we have never verified.  Stories that help us explain what is happening to us.  Stories that position us as victims and explain away our responsibility to fight for ourselves.  These made-up stories, unfortunately, are self destructive and, worse yet, self fulfilling.   We wonder why society seems to be rejecting, more and more, what we believe in and what we do for a living. Yet, who are we allowing to tell our story?  We are so addicted to our “Mr. Nice Guy” image and so afraid of offending just one person that we allow people like Jessica Mitford and Lisa Carlson and a plethora of ill informed journalists to tell our story for us.  In fact, I have come to believe we no longer know what our story is.   Adding insult to injury, our behavior suggests that we agree with the stories our enemies (YES, they are enemies) are promoting and we must, in fact, be the type of people they say we are.

For more than thirty years funeral directors have told me that they are uncomfortable telling strangers what they do for a living so they “euphamize” their responses to hide their vocation.  “it gets awkward,” they say.  Or, “people don’t like to talk about it.”  I have come to believe it is they who are awkward about it.  I am personally proud to be associated with this profession.  I believe we make a real contribution to society.  So, when people ask me what I do I tell them I am in the funeral industry.  In all these years that disclosure has never once resulted in awkwardness or discomfort. Many of my local friends have no idea what my true background is.  They assume I am a funeral director.  You know what?  That’s OK with me.  In fact, in almost every instance the individual who asks me what I do engages conversationally with questions or stories and frequently those close by get involved.  My conclusion: PEOPLE HAVE QUESTIONS, THEY WANT TO KNOW MORE.

In the Christian World there is something called “Apologetics”.  I have often thought that an unfortunate word.  It connotes that we are apologizing for the faith.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  A Christian Apologist is someone who DEFENDS THE FAITH.  They stand strong and they stand up.  If you want a debate they will take you on.  Where are the Funeral Apologists?

Many years ago I was exposed to a statement that literally changed my life:

“You are where you are…because that is where you want to be!”

What that means to me is that we, alone, are responsible for impacting our lives.  No one can afford to be a victim.  Yes, I recognize there is comfort in a victim mentality.  But there sure isn’t any hope in it.  If you look closely at our critics you will find they are either opportunists or they are bullies and frequently both.   You can tell this because the support they offer for their opinions (and they are rarely more than opinions) is too often anecdotal.  More important, they almost exclusively focus on attacking character.  It is well known among debating circles that when an opponent attacks your character it means they have no substantive support for their position.

The average sale in our profession has been in steady decline in terms of real dollars since 1997.  Today’s profit margins are literally half what they were 30 years ago and if we calculated profits over time in terms of “real” dollars it would be fractional.  WAKE UP! If you think people will like you because you are their doormat (which they don’t) they will like you a whole lot less when you are a public failure.  Your livelihood is in jeopardy.  Your wife and your family’s livelihood is in jeopardy.  What do you want?  Platitudes? Website pictures of your overbuilt facility?  A new hearse?  The false comfort of a victim mentality?  Or…. would you rather see the sales curve stop going down and start going up?

Call to Action: Let’s stop fighting among ourselves and start fighting for ourselves.

Next Week: Some steps that will take us there.  I become a Funeral Apologist

 

 

Are Funeral Directors “wired” to Lose in The “New Normal” Part 3

Written by Alan Creedy on . Posted in The Creedy Commentary. 1 Comment on Are Funeral Directors “wired” to Lose in The “New Normal” Part 3

Last week in part 2 of this series we learned that “Challengers” don’t educate,  they teach.  They are not afraid of pushing their customers  to think in new ways.  We also learned that while people may like those who are nice to them, they like those who help them gain new insights even more.

But none of this helps unless we know how they do it.

Challengers, by definition, know more about the product and process than their clients, and so do you.  They realize that most people approach a new or unfamiliar purchase with a distorted paradigm.   So, their objective is to help the customer gain a new perspective on the product or service.   It may seem counter-intuitive,  but the goal is not to have the client say: “I completely agree.” Rather, success is achieved when the client says: “I never thought of it that way.”  Reflection, not agreement, is the goal.

Here is how I would approach developing this skill:

1. I would not start with my most challenging cases.  I would practice with customers I already felt I had rapport with.

2. My goal would never be to convince but to open a new thought pattern by sharing new insights from my experience.  As an example, last week I mentioned my response to scattering ashes.

3. I would create a “safety zone” to retreat to if things got out of hand

4. I would not probe for customer needs.  There isn’t enough time to provide that much insight.  Rather, I would tell the client what I normally see with similar families and how the right choice made a difference.  This should not be aggressive but assertive enough that it pushes them a little out of their comfort zone.

5. I would provide several options that are appropriate; but I would also share pitfalls.

6. I would use the dreaded “R” word and work with my colleagues to practice scenarios.  “R” stands for ROLEPLAY!.  Sorry if I shocked you.   Roleplay is out of the comfort zone of most practitioners.  But if you are going to be a true professional it is the price that you have to pay.

Here is how to create a “Safety Zone”:

1. Acknowledge the importance

2. Ask permission

3. Make a reasonable suggestion

AND MOST IMPORTANT: BE VULNERABLE YOURSELF.  IN OTHER WORDS BE AUTHENTIC.  If you can’t be authentic you probably ought not to change what you are doing.

Here is how I might approach the conversation.   After the warmup and before making arrangements I would acknowledge the importance by saying something like:

“Most people I work with only make arrangements once or twice in their lifetime.  Taking care of [relationship of deceased “your dad”] is one of the most important decisions you can make in your lifetime.  There is lots of room for regrets by doing too much or too little.   I will do my best to help you honor [your dad] in a way that meets your needs and your budget.  But sometimes the conversation can get a little awkward.  In fact, sometimes I feel a little awkward but my goal is that you have no regrets.  Is that ok?”

By doing this up front, when things get awkward you can say, “I realize this is uncomfortable but let’s at least explore this so you make an informed decision. Remember my goal is no regrets”

For instance, you are serving the family of a 55 year old man with teenage children,  He was an active member of the community and popular among his fellow employees at work.  You know from experience that there will be a large turnout.  The family has selected a private viewing with an hour’s visitation prior to the service.  The choice is partly economic.   They could accomplish something more at close to the same price by reducing the quality of vault and casket (Now I am feeling awkward).  You could say:

“(name of deceased) was well known and liked.  My experience is telling me that an hours visitation won’t work and here is why (fill in the blank with your experience).  We have a couple of options:  We could do a visitation the night before which would give both you and your friends ample time to share or we could provide a reception for a couple of hours after the funeral.”

THEN SHUT UP

If the family expresses concern over the cost and you feel you need to make compromises then lead them to a larger service and lesser quality merchandise.  (Wow, I said it.  I really am a heretic).

Going back to the “R” word.  Follow this pattern:  Identify several types of customers, list scenarios where your experience could help families do better.  START WITH THE EASY CASES.  As you progress over time and you gain experience with Roleplay start working on your hard cases.  Roleplay is never a one time thing.